It is undeniably a case of cycle that I cannot let slip . How it reflects on me to some would be difficult to bear. The thought that it is actually expected and "normal" isnt good, isnt right. It is odd, it is very odd, it is odd and not right. Took me this long to see , took me this long to comprehend. But better late then never aye, I was trying too hard to hold onto something that isnt there anymore. I only saw what I wanted to see, cause its difficult and painful. Hope , in all due respect, is one of my favourites and beliefs, but in this sense, i cannot hope , cannot fathom that thought. Why? Cause there is nothing to fuel that hope. It's all self imaginery, delusional. Never again mandy.
I had a smashing week, up and downs , arguements, movies, food, new people, beers , see a young me, revisisted the past, fell down and got myself a boooooboo on the knee, all around me , hearts were broken and lies were said.
Happy 54th birthday my daddyho. cant wait for this weekend. Love you to bits xx.
Hello sweet schmucks. Pure ranting coming your way.
i'm amanda, people call me mandy and all sorts of other funny weirdy names. i'm of the age tiny little 2 zero , im pretty tall i must say, not that very thin sorta but more of what brazillian calls magrafalsa "false thin" (quoted from eat pray love) , i am very plain, read tons of books, i could dance like a hamster running on its wheels, and i could smile like the world will never get to me.
& now it has finally caught up to me. I now add another descriptive word to my life, I am a working lady now. girl actually but okay . Work is okay, actually I dont like working. People who know me, know me with full of energy , bouncing up and down, staying up all night. & now, I go to bed at 11.45pm. I go home after work , or to the gym, try to stay out on fridays cause I dont go out on saturdays much, as thats the day being the only time i sleep in . My energy is depleted like nuts, and I dont think i feel chronic lack of sleep this bad before. Sigh but work has a good thing too, my time is so valuable now, i only spend it with people i bother with or i wouldnt mind seeing. No more nonsense silly stuffies. But then now my life is so non spontaneous , i am sad. my week is planned two weeks ahead.
7 days 24 hours is not enough. I spend 12 hours at work every weekday. 6 hours sleeping. 2 hours traveling. And all I left with is literally 4 hours every weekday.
4 hours. that is crazy scary. Lately, before I realize its bedtime, I am already deep asleep. It's like im not in the moment, I am going through it, and before my soul catches up, it's already over. It's like running after a train that I am never going to board.
I know everyone go through this phase, everyone goes through this season, but I dont know how to love it. My soul is too free for this. I feel tied down.
Im trying though. But im dragging it. Now I wanna sleep. No more time, it's sad , ): I never felt so cheated out of life.
Is this it? I dont even have the time to rant and be upset. can you believe it?
Goodnight. For 19 october . -" Sending my love, my thoughts , blessings and happy birthday wishes to you , my firsts , my long dweller , my memory , mine once upon a time, happy 20th birthday, be happy. "
Anyways when life gets tough, when the going gets insane, i miss my lizziepoo and sherrrymoo. What would the world be like aye, if i ever have to lose them.
Work, is depleting my energy level. Tomorrow! tomorrow will be me on my own. freaky but, nonchalant and i will be fine.
Its a bit sad cause I sort of forgotten how to totally enjoy the feeling. Its like if i were to achieve something , i just taste and lick off the surface and say mm okay thats enough for now. But its all mine! i should be up and jumping, singing at the top of my lungs, feeling like the world has finally looked right. and everything falls into place. Somehow somewhere long before today, I must have misplaced that ability. Still a pocket full of sunshine but maybe its hidden somewhere , needa unravel it. Cause this is certainly not the way to live, and it is definitely not mine to live.
I will explode with the emotion later. I definitely will.
(:
it will be a sweet sweet feeling. Unhinged unprotected and just pure emotions.
Oh lovelies, just keep swimming, dont drown, dont let the dark sea trap you. After all, Life isnt all about rainbows. But when the rainbow disappear and the dark pool of murky water traps you, drown and grasp for air. Then swim .. swim unto the next rainbow. Cause there's always another rainbow filled with unicorn.
Thank you God for all that I have received and will be receiving. Counting the blessings as I go. Making every second count.
After awhile when life sorts of gets to you, you will realize that you find it difficult to put all your eggs into one basket. You feel like, maybe you shouldnt , you should scatter it all around, the sentence in your head thats probably on repeat is " Just in case,... Just in case.. " It applies it almost every area, from relationships, after one failed relationship, you tend to move back and then scatter all around , never having just one basket or more then one egg in one basket. and to job interviews, you feel like you want it but you enter, feeling like if i want it too much, and i dont get it, the disappointment is overwhelming. then you chide yourself for allowing hope to seep through your cells.
But hey.. is living medicore your type of life? is not hoping and always waiting for the worst to happen your thing? are you always just sitting around waiting for the last shoe to drop so you can say, " ah huh! i told you so "
How can it be the right way to live? I know its difficult, frankly I cant even put all eggs in a baskets yet, all the what ifs, just in case, sensibility vs naive . but at least, i am trying to.
My accomplishments is not measured by mere say, my accomplishments is however I want to set them, it is dictated by nothing, but me.
Fingers crossed. have a little faith my dear ones. Goodnight.
If I am going to work my ass off, demolish my hippie spirit, darn right im going to get my hours spent to be worth it.
because all it ever took to make me happy was, a cuppa of latte, a good book in hand, plug in good music, and im good to go. but alas, life calls out too loudly.
I need to open that new chapter of life. gotta gotta.
i am very angst, hahaa for no apparent reason, which makes it much more annoying. but whatever. gotta study for now for that test tomorrow.
