For He is always faithful.

Lately I've drawn closer to God, for reasons both known and unknown. 

He has shown me that I cover up alot of things, pushing mountains under the carpet.

Hiding it away. What got me really upset with myself that I didnt see that I did not know my God enough to know that there was nothing with hoping, with wanting something. How is that possible? its as though I thought that if I wanted something too much? God will take it away from me. Contrary, dont get me wrong, there are times when you want things that are no good for you.. of course God is not going to give you. But, not even hoping or wanting things? is messed up. Our God only wants to prosper you, to give you the best of best, how does He do that? You need to first expect, live with an expectancy that you'll be victorious , that good things can happen to you, to dare to place yourself in a situation that is beyond yourself, to dive head in first... so God can come in and make it happen for you.

Raw emotions, raw thoughts, but it will get clearer as I think it through.

God is showing me so much, showing me that I do not understand Him , that I doubt Him, His never changing characteristics, He only wants the best for me, how can I think that He does not want to give? To the extend of not even daring to step out, not even having faith. It is okay to hope, to want, to ask my sweetheart, was what He was whispering to me. The difference is.. to ask, to hope, to want but to understand that sometimes He does not give / answer not because He is not listening, but because you are not ready. That the end product/blessing, should not determine your faith in Him & His promises.

He's teaching me, telling me, to let Him do the driving, my hands off the wheel, He's going to take me thru an adventure. To be comfortable with feeling, to ask, to hope, to want.. but having that immense faith that believes/expects it to happen but.. resides in that truth that even if it doesnt, He is still true, He is still faithful, He is still never changing. Its as though He's telling me that , Amanda Amanda Amanda.. you want to reach new heights? Come along with me. If you do not ask, if you do not hope, if you do not want enough, you'll always be only doing mediocre work, nothing great, nothing spectacular, because you are relying on your own strength, within your own comfort zone sweetheart.. so failing is a very low probability because you dealt those cards on your own.. But if you come along with Me, I will take you to higher highs.. teaching you to step out, to relying on Me instead on your own strength, to garner more faith in Me .. that is only going to happen if you my dear, will step out.. step out and learn to be ok, to be a human with emotions, needs, wants, it's okay to ask my dear.. It's okay. Just always trust me.. Be close to my heart, be after my heart.. I only ever want the best for you sweet heart.. if your earthly father will give you everything, what more your heavenly Father?

My dear heavenly Father is teaching me how to love first by being okay with having emotions, emotions that I entrust to Him instead of handling it on my own. This… is a first.

Daniel 3v13, having faith like the 3 boys, never wavering faith, non circumstantial faith.

Goodnight.

stress on a high

Sigh, I am stress. And very lethargic, I feel like ive been going around in circles. Like as though im holding things together but actually its all falling apart. Defeated much but no, I pray to You oh Lord, that You take my burdens and help me through this tough time. Times like these where I second guess myself, my self worth, my abilities, I pray You help me trust You and myself. I pray that you will let me have faith and that I will not feel defeated but feel victorious . That eventually everything will work out. That I will stand at the end point and understand why I have to go thru certain things. Please also give me a heart that is thankful and please teach me the virtue of having patience.


So Lord I pray, you help me prep and help me trust and know that You always go forth and prepare the way for me.


Amen.

Trust and faith

It was really good to meet with God on sunday and gained that fresh hope and feeling like my burden is being lifted up. That message on sunday was very much for me and targeted at my situation. So thank you for giving me the courage to go down and seek prayer. and thanks for the lady who did pray for me , who was spot on about the situation. I still pray for a miracle, regardless of its kind. I will seek You, seek your kingdom, seek your love and seek to learn to trust You first before everything else.
I pray for directions and I pray that I will learn to seek You before man.


I pray i will have a good sleep tonight.

All will be for the better. And i have this tiny wee bit crush on this boy.
hahaha.. been making the days better.


Night.

Rough Patch

So, I think it might be final that i aint getting it. When I first got the news, i sat at my desk and was extremely overwhelmed. I did not know what to do, i just knew i had to breathe. I counted ten, typed some random work and stood up went to the washroom, closed the cubicle and cried. I felt my entire body cringed at the resounding news and I did not know how to behave. Logically my mind kept reminding me all the politically correct things regarding the situation , about how if God closes one door, He's going to open another, dont lose faith, keep praying. With God, dream big, surrender it to Him and let Him deal with it. Yeah I know all these, I also trust in all of these. Though my emotions at that point of time was uncontrollable. At this very moment, I am still feeling really low and disappointed with myself. Though I am in a better composed self. I am a bit cynic and snappy , largely finding my cave and hide. Cringing whenever i scroll past the official email. My entire being gets the goosebumps , and it's not the good kind of goosebumps. Everything fit, coincidences and chances, random surprises and all, it fit. Yet, the outcome is not ideal at this point of time, though, with God.. you need to trust. You might not understand why He does not give you some of the things you pray so hard for but you need to trust that He knows whats best for you better then you. I promise I am only going to be sappy till Monday and then i'll recover. Really need to start planning a way out or a better way because the brim is here. Gotta pray cause very lost right now. Still pray for that tiny hope that I'll get another email for acceptance. It could happen, with God it could. Especially when it felt really right, though it might just be my own emotions crowding up my judgement. But yes, I will still pray about it, hoping for the impossible. It will only , it can only, come with Him and Him alone.


Having the muster seed of faith and hope, I hence lift up my load to You Oh Lord, please take them and I pray, for now, that someone will reject it and somehow or rather, it will be given to yours truly. Believing in miracles, why pray? because in a second, God can do all things I cannot do even if I spend my entire life trying. There is no harm in believing and praying for the best. Whichever it is, i know it is for the best. As much as the enemy is shouting and trying to put negative thoughts in my mind, i will only turn and look to God. Just 2 - 3 days of sappiness, I'll be alright. Disappointments, I'll feel all these negativity emotions and I will turn it all around and make it work for me.


So I pray, for good or better, a path that You laid out for me, I will be able to identify it and walk in it.
Faith & Hope .
And I pray God, you, heal my wound and take away all these negativity thoughts, for I am made in the image of You.
Nothing less, nothing more.


And thank you Lord for the people who been there and who have been extremely supportive. Specific people you placed in my life to support me. I thank You so much for them.

Amen.

Life is short. very short.

To Dominique Lee.

For a person that I hardly know but heard of alot , for a person that means alot , means the world to many of the people I care about. For your family and for everyone that loves you.

I pray, you are safe in God's hand.

// So. Just heard that one of a friend passed on. Nah we are not tight, definitely really havent spoken to him, perhaps glances and a simple hi. but darn, its close enough with about a great number of my mates being affected by this. it serves a very very important reminder about how simple life can be just here and then gone. So do not take for granted every morning when you wake up, every night when you go to bed. Because, you been blessed with another day. I'm not saying to live life and totally ignore consequences, live it in such a way that you know what matters to do what does not and you keep working towards it. Ignore the rest, cause seriously, it will all come to pass. Set out goals, set out foot prints, strive and keep striving, keep trying. No sweeties, no one wakes up thinking it's their last day. No one, so please do cherish every breathe.

~ God bless his family and his loved ones for he has played a huge part in those people's life.

Amen.

my baby sister.

Happy 16th birthday my sweet baby.

Sure hope you had a good time and that you enjoyed the surprise.

//

digress a bit,nostalgic much , couldnt help myself but to pop by today. i guess, i wanted to reassure myself that i am awesome and u see that i am awesome and that i am always the bigger person. i might complain about that but i enjoy being the bigger person. was nostalgic the entire day, got home, changed into one of the shirts.. went to read some old posts and gosh. hahahaha … i really think i "forgotten" all the bad parts and store in somewhere not reachable? so reading back was a bit difficult cause mmm, reminded me how far i strayed off and how unhealthy it was.though for what its worth, i was genuinely happy for a while. so that i am happy about.. beside that… i am thankful i did go thru that though it was very painful at that point of time. always a nice memory ..

//

also glad i have grown. gosh, was insanely retard in some older posts. that was funny but wildly disturbing. i judged myself hahahaha.

goodnight.

Matthew 6v19-33

For a long time I have been reaching out, maybe not as much as I should have but I have been. This morning while riding the train to work, after maybe conscious effort of listening to Praise FM in the morning and the night when I sleep has slowly tuned me a bit more towards God.

Well, I am now currently anxiously waiting for a response for something that I feel is good for me and my direction. I envisioned how things will be like for me this entire year and a favorable response to that question will please me alot. Very anxious and nervous but God is showing me how to trust and to understand that hey… no matter which direction the answer is heading towards, I will be okay. What is so amazing about this God of mine is that He communicates with me in his own subtle ways. So…. while riding the train this morning listening to some family workshop on Praise FM, God suddenly imprinted Matthew 6v24 to be exact into my heart. And Having the awesome iphone, i immediately browsed for the verse.

" No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other,or he will be devoted to the one and despite the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. " I reckon this is God's way of reminding me why I do what I do, why I make some decisions, that to always make sure the reasons behind these acts remains faithful and in tune with His ways. I am human, but He, He is God. And through Him, I can always try.

So then He prompted me to read from Matthew 6v19.. all the way to Matthew 6v33..

So what spoke most to me next was.. Matthew 6v25, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you eat or rink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important then clothes? Look at the birds of the air: they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

v28 " And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies in the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you? O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying " What shall we eat" or "What shall we drink? or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavently Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I was immediately calmed and … reminded of how much He loves us. Who am I to say He will love me any much lesser because of my wrongful doings that are human errors? But thank God for being merciful. Well, I trust Him with that decision and I lift it up onto Him. And I thank Him for reminding me all these lessons and humbling myself again.

Amen, thank You for loving me.