Lately I've drawn closer to God, for reasons both known and unknown.
He has shown me that I cover up alot of things, pushing mountains under the carpet.
Hiding it away. What got me really upset with myself that I didnt see that I did not know my God enough to know that there was nothing with hoping, with wanting something. How is that possible? its as though I thought that if I wanted something too much? God will take it away from me. Contrary, dont get me wrong, there are times when you want things that are no good for you.. of course God is not going to give you. But, not even hoping or wanting things? is messed up. Our God only wants to prosper you, to give you the best of best, how does He do that? You need to first expect, live with an expectancy that you'll be victorious , that good things can happen to you, to dare to place yourself in a situation that is beyond yourself, to dive head in first... so God can come in and make it happen for you.
Raw emotions, raw thoughts, but it will get clearer as I think it through.
God is showing me so much, showing me that I do not understand Him , that I doubt Him, His never changing characteristics, He only wants the best for me, how can I think that He does not want to give? To the extend of not even daring to step out, not even having faith. It is okay to hope, to want, to ask my sweetheart, was what He was whispering to me. The difference is.. to ask, to hope, to want but to understand that sometimes He does not give / answer not because He is not listening, but because you are not ready. That the end product/blessing, should not determine your faith in Him & His promises.
He's teaching me, telling me, to let Him do the driving, my hands off the wheel, He's going to take me thru an adventure. To be comfortable with feeling, to ask, to hope, to want.. but having that immense faith that believes/expects it to happen but.. resides in that truth that even if it doesnt, He is still true, He is still faithful, He is still never changing. Its as though He's telling me that , Amanda Amanda Amanda.. you want to reach new heights? Come along with me. If you do not ask, if you do not hope, if you do not want enough, you'll always be only doing mediocre work, nothing great, nothing spectacular, because you are relying on your own strength, within your own comfort zone sweetheart.. so failing is a very low probability because you dealt those cards on your own.. But if you come along with Me, I will take you to higher highs.. teaching you to step out, to relying on Me instead on your own strength, to garner more faith in Me .. that is only going to happen if you my dear, will step out.. step out and learn to be ok, to be a human with emotions, needs, wants, it's okay to ask my dear.. It's okay. Just always trust me.. Be close to my heart, be after my heart.. I only ever want the best for you sweet heart.. if your earthly father will give you everything, what more your heavenly Father?
My dear heavenly Father is teaching me how to love first by being okay with having emotions, emotions that I entrust to Him instead of handling it on my own. This… is a first.
Daniel 3v13, having faith like the 3 boys, never wavering faith, non circumstantial faith.
Goodnight.
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