Barenaked.

Tough times.

2012-01-05T00:25:00.002+08:00

"You know that feeling when you’re just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let out everything that you have kept in all day? Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you’re tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay, but no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won’t be, but you’re still hoping and you’re still wishing and you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."

~ darren c.

Lately things been tough, not for me, but for alot of people i care about. every other week i hear something bad, though that being said i of course thank God for everytime i wake up with a brand new start, fresh air to breathe. but i am tired of hearing so many bad things happening to good people. today i lost my phone too, i am angry not cause i lost my phone. how do i put this. i left it for a couple of mins, walk in and look for it and waited for everyone to lie to me that they didnt take it. humanity much? sense of disappointment. forgiveness, maybe tomorrow. so then, cause lately with alot of things going wrong, i kept having a nagging feeling that.. when is it my turn? well, maybe losing my phone was a thing. even now i cant really comprehend it. simply cause its unbelievable, cause i remember exactly where i left it. sigh, trust. so hard to earn among people. do we really need monitors to be placed around to cause fear? do we really do not have enough integrity in us? why is it that in the country side people sleep with their doors open but people who are apparently more civilized like in the city, have ten thousand locks and crime rates are so high? Why is it the more educated we are, the more mistakes we tend to make? We become complicated living here surrounded by technology and as though, the more things we know, the more things we understand, we become more self absorbed and obscene. Why do people who live far off the country side, sleep with peace? sleep with simplicity , dont get me wrong, i am sure one or two must have done smth bad. but im saying, the very simple question, why is there even a need for us to be so wary till we lock our gates and wooden doors while people who are less educated, know less of the world, sleep peacefully with their doors wide open?

I need things to start getting right, true i should count my blessings, health for my family , health for most of my friends, but i need something to get right in my life. I hope losing the phone, wont be the start of things going downwards.

Night. Trying to not be sappy about the new year. beside having two huge pimples and putting on many kilos, being drawn into an argument i am not willing to be in , things not going right with one of my closest friend that i will probably lose , anything more? I certainly pray no more.

i need a break, but even now flying feels like a bad idea.

2012

2012-01-02T03:38:00.001+08:00

2012.. Here we go.

Sappy stuffs & resolutions save for another day.

It was a pretty okay awesome way to kick start the new year; like always.

Hope everyone had a decent 2011,

if not, remember to always count your blessings.

Night.

habits

2011-12-13T22:47:00.001+08:00

bad habits.

the more something isnt mine, the more i want it.

reason it out mandy ho, reason it out.

temporarily fazed.

thats all....

guard.

What doesnt kills you makes you stronger. // December

2011-12-05T23:51:00.003+08:00

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
But told you I was moving on over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not a broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I had an awesome possum, super productive weekend.

I am very pleased, are you?

December is here and my entire month is getting packed up but!!!!

it is really filled with all my loved ones , so I am insanely happy.

Everyone is coming back.

I spoke to alot of people this week too, managed to catch up with tons of people.

So I am very happy.

Thank you God for helping me through my marathon despite my poor preparation, I pray You give comfort to the 22 year old boy's family for his demise, it is really a shame to lose such a young person .

bite.

2011-12-01T23:24:00.004+08:00

I am going to pick a fight with you simply cause you are plain old childish.

boys vs men.

you cant go back after you are surrounded by men,

true? perhaps.

mandy my dear mandy mandy, keep your hands to yourself.

remember promises, remember your dreams , remember the lines you cant cross!

Brick Walls , though it is seemingly harmless.

Thus, insanely harmful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY MELODY LOVE.

2011-11-29T23:51:00.005+08:00

PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME BUT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET HEART.

through our insanely close to 5 years of madness together, it was difficult to even pick out 10 photos only. We have ten thousand photos together. You know how much I love you not? Super alot that i am not sleeping now so i can just blog this so you can read it. Despite that I wrote you a darn letter . I am so glad we been through what we have been through, i am even more so happy that we went through things together , side by side. And through it all, we came out even stronger and well, a better sense of appreciation of what we mean to each other in our lives. Time is passing by insanely fast but I wanna let you know that I thank God all the time for putting you in my life and allowing us to grow OLD together.

You know i always got your back dont you? That I will always love you, so much so, i am publicly announcing that even though now you are attached ( finally ) , I am demanding still your time, care , love , sorry derek, you must share. ((: Dont worry, i will learn to love you too then yay you guys can adopt me. please?

Hhahahaha okay no sappy stuffs but thanks for loving me, always being literally there and most importantly , being my friend.

Happy 25th Birthday , we got about 70 more years to go. Keep loving my face cause it will be sticking right infront of yours ALL THE TIME.

Go , look through our years with these photos. Love you.

Happy birthday melo.

look how far we have come?

Blessings.

2011-11-29T23:27:00.002+08:00

Sigh, at first , there was nothing to worry about, but now i feel like theres something up. Freaking out a wee bit so I am asking you God to bless him and take care of him, keep him safe while he does his tests. For all that has been happening, for all the not so great news, though i am still thankful for many things should i failed to mentioned it!, i would appreciate it and love it if the test results comes out good and negative to everything that is bad. If i am making much sense, please. Everything in your good hands, everything , all the worries , all cast upon you. I dont need something major to recognize that , at the end of the day, all i need is pretty much You. So.. please, keep him safe and sound, and that he knows that he is safe in your arms. Putting our trust in You , let him know you are just right there should discomfort arises.

Amen.

Nothing like family.

I'll make you breakfast every day.

2011-11-27T22:01:00.003+08:00

More often or so you find yourself stuck in a rut , of going through motions and not understanding why on earth you even get up every morning to do life's necessities. This weekend has been like that, a mad rush and the body refusing sleep has gotten me way too angsty. But, beside that, this weekend has been good of some sort. At least i made my time worth while. Feel like the universal is showing me that as persistent as I am about some things, I am dangerously wavering, nothing bad, except i gotta be brutally honest with myself. Admitting this with a pang of ache but a smile on my face, what a whirlwind these couple of months. I think I need some "me" time like how I used too , set some direction and just keep going forward. Just keep swimming~

It's Christmas time again, shopping with the masses is crazy.

Help.

Goodnight, cant wait to spend some time with my melo tomorrow

after someone seemingly stole my bff away from me! hehe.

Love

It was just emotions lost in transit, not many tick boxes were even being ticked off.

Important to stick to the list and nothing wrong with always trying to make good choices.

meow.

The one that got away.

2011-11-23T18:38:00.004+08:00

being mean, like whatever...

but... seriously...

seriously, have a good week.

Ahoy, sailors, im setting off. I need this break, to rejuvenate, to think through things, read up on some notes,

run everyday , swim a tad, hopefully get a bit of tan , spend some quality time with my rents.

I tend to be impulsive sometimes esp under these kind of situations.

I pray that God adds extra strength for my sweet pea while im away.

really cute!

Sometimes, it is really possible to be too late.

I had an exceptional awesome lunch that reminds me how it used to fit perfectly, a puzzle piece that just fit, when everything for a certain reason fell into place , the simplicity of it, takes me back and a smile on my face with a acknowledgement with the essential human organ that, it would have been nice if it did worked. Alas! Some bridges once crossed, cant be returned too simply cause its been burnt. It was the only way out; burning it. Its all separate entities now, still got some mending i am determined to mend. The new year is coming, some things needs to be fixed.

You were the mistake i needed to make, except it wasnt a mistake yet simply cause i drew out and ran away. I am worried if I dont make them now, then i'll make them at the least appropriate time. Ive been so good, maybe just once, i dont have to map it all out do i ? maybe just once i dont require it to make sense. But, hahah it isnt just because its wrong that is stopping me, its the fact that i do not want to chase, i do not want to see that smirk on your face, right in the beginning, subconsciously , this was a chess game to you. In order for it to be a game, there has to be two participants hence nothing wrong with it, I sat down, and made my first attacking move. Somehow or rather, it got more then just plain old games at least to me. Alarms rang, exclamation marks shooting all over in my mind. If i do this, to counter offer you, I am going to look like a idiot . Can I really handle it ? I used too, a bit too well. Can I really handle these sort of relation - ship? Am I going to propose that idea to you? I am glad I am going away. Why am I considering this? Is it really cause I am lazy to find another outlet? Was it really even a outlet? It shouldnt be that difficult is it? Am I seriously gg to risk messing my mind up?

// It's not the goodbye that hurts, its the flashbacks that follows.

see you munchkins.

xxxxxxxxxxx

You are the Apple of my eye.

2011-11-21T23:23:00.007+08:00

A nostalgic movie, a feeling that cant be shaken off.

Why is it a good movie? Simply because,

those that had it, reminisce about it,

those that didnt, wish they did.

Sniffles, what a movie. No wonder everyone bugged me to watch it.

I refused to watch with any boy simply cause its such a nice.. sappy heartfelt movie..

easier watched with my bestie,melly. thanks for watching it with me.

those emotions that stirred during the movie, im glad you were sitting beside me.

subtlety understanding why the heart strings were being pulled.

The nagging emotions that ties with the movie are strong and nice to have.

I wished at the tender age of 16, i wasnt thinking like i was 21.

cautious and blocked.

that i had such a story to tell, a lovely sweet pure simple story to share.

Would something so pure come along when you are growing older and more exposed to how the world is?

i wish at the age of 21, that i stop thinking like i am 30.

too much of the fence i play by, but its fine.

Time is moving too fast and I am being reminded of it many times lately.

Thats why, i am going to start chasing and mending.

because there are many things you do and not expect anything in return.

“Maybe in an alternate universe, we will be together,” said Giddens to Shen Chia Yi years after their last encounter ended in unfortunate misunderstandings. Not only do Giddens' words make us feel better about the fictional pair, they also pat faintly on our backs for those times that we may have allowed fate to slip through our fingertips. ■

http://www.chinapost.com.tw/movie/drama/2011/08/19/313949/You-Are.htm

Like sand slipping through our finger tips, sometimes, it really is possible to be just too late.

** I am so proud of you , always have, always will.

Heres a heart for your taking , a heart offered just friend to friend.

Please, take it.

Thank you God for taking us thru a week and giving us added strength.

Heart beats.

2011-11-20T23:54:00.002+08:00

I faced it that hey, it meant something.

You know where to find me if you wanted too,

You know exactly where to.

At the same time, the phone works both ways.

If you wanted too, you could reach me.

If i ever learnt anything from 4 years ago,

it was, just keep walking away.

Either ways, it saves you.

A crazy week. but! thank God for giving me extra strength this week.

love.

Un love you // Chasing after.

2011-11-13T16:41:00.002+08:00

Sailor says hi.

// Themed: Elton's 21st Pirate Party.

// Ahoy! Accordingly to that previous textbox, I am taking charge , fully , okay not exactly, but reclaiming back at least half of my self choices decision making tool . If I do not chase, if I do not seek, if I do not move forward, who on earth is going to do that for me? After awhile, people tend to get comfy and then they stop pushing boundaries. Well, that's about to change for me. Been talking about it for so long, i am going to kick it into motion. I hope I do not overthink it, I hope I balance a sense of adventure with my mind still ticking logic. Give me a reasonable 6 months , if all is good.. I will finally do it. Mandy mandy.. stick through with it.

21 years old and not getting any younger.

Theres a inner void, dissatisfaction , I've outgrown this circle. Time to move on.

I understand that I can spend my entire life chasing and still not be happy

but, Happiness to me is not a noun, its more of a verb term,

it comes and it goes, but it'll always come around again.

I cannot stand not chasing anything, so here I go. Putting a quarter of my foot out there.

Picking it all up and piecing it together.

If you want to dream, dream B.I.G.

Sunday lazy afternoon post.

" For those I love, I will sacrifice "

Bunny says hi .

// Themed : Halloween.

Family time now.

xx tata kitty cats.

Leave me now.

2011-11-13T04:39:00.000+08:00

Leave Me (now on Hulu at hulu.com/leave-me) from Ryan Dunlap // Daros Films on Vimeo.

Damaging drinking habits . Excuses for all sorts of party,

gotta stop gotta slow down mandymandy.

gotta re prime mind set and be forward.

Theres french, italian ,chinese , korean , indian , arabian , all sorts.

So.. seriously.. deserve way better.

19 year olds temptations.

Goodnight.

Apricot - by Ben Briand

2011-11-08T23:56:00.002+08:00

APRICOT — A Short Film by Ben Briand from Moonwalk Films on Vimeo.

Goodnight, today i ran as though time was for me to squander.

Habits are turning into dust as I move back into my comfort space.

With you far behind me.

love, mandy.

body art ; art of release.

2011-11-07T14:04:00.004+08:00

" fly without wings "

Beautiful black drawn lines.

Craved , Engraved deep within a bodily flesh.

A significant of a substantial forever drawn on your soul.

A subtle reminder that is nagging at the back of my head,

its the second time that miso got emotionally invested and a train wrecked after;

a certain kind of compulsiveness to do some bodily modifications.

Always wanted to get inked but reckon miso dont want to get inked and remember this period, perhaps trying to play it down , play it small but its not logical. Maybe miso get another hole somewhere but.. nah.. the gravitational force to inking is substantial.

meow.

angsty and im heading out.

Empire of the sun - we are the people

2011-11-05T00:12:00.000+08:00

meow

2011-10-31T23:49:00.003+08:00

Happy halloween guys.

Being mad busy at work is absolutely a good thing except, was insanely tired.

meow, had such a bad sleep sigh.

goodnight.

NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT.

Dont you remember?

2011-10-30T15:42:00.004+08:00

"Don't You Remember"

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

sigh, difficult times , i do stupid things and measures that are not necessary. the way i abuse myself is horrendous but necessary in this case of getting well , the kind of scenarios i create in my head is scary thus a red light was shown . Reasoning going back and forth, a minute of being okay, a second of deep ache, a minute of logic and thinking this is unnecessary and my old self laughing back in the mirror , mocking me for the fact that its a joke that i am feeling this way. of all the years how i fence and de fence and block and wriggle my way out of situations, sigh, this time , wide open and whats left is pretty much half empty.

my body needs to catch up, it needs to be contained and controlled and turn away and not just walk away, but please run away. run as fast as you can please mandy. Just a wee bit, just a wee bit difficult now.

how do you put an end to something that never had a beginning to begin with?

please i pray , my emotions needs to catch up.
what happened, happened, what moved , moved, what wavered, wavered, what was seen , has been seen , what was felt, felt, just breathe, accept and off you go love. sometimes you just always harbor an unhealthy hope , thats beyond logic. sigh

xx
i am way toooooooo coooooooool.
older and wiser, so please mandybobo , stop being a train wreck and get on with it.

meow x2 , " Follow your heart, but! take your brain with you. "

2011-10-28T12:32:00.004+08:00

With a heart like this, I cannot wait till it happens.

Got to be patient , at least now i know,

sigh hahahha not so closed up anymore.

Nevertheless, picky.

I hope we go to aussie!

me wants a tattoo again lately.

uh oh, considering im older now,

working... it is so much more possible.

Hip hip hip meow.

Slowly but surely, hohohoho i feel the entire me seeps in again.

Me kick ass, cause i am awesome.

headaches vs heartaches

2011-10-27T04:13:00.000+08:00

I pray with all my heart, that my emotions catches up with my logic soon. Because, it is stupid and a waste of time to be hurting like this. But, gotta cut myself some slack, i am merely human. The world is such a big place, gotta move around smartly. Save myself from silly things like these and learn from it. Just give me time to tune out and waddle myself in misery just a bit. Half of the time i am amused with this, it's like im laughing but my eyes are tearing.

one step at a time mandy, just remember with every step, breathe.

Got to sleep, been having this headache bad bad headache for days. My friend says, it's not the headache that is giving you this mood, its this mood that's giving you this headache. Coupled with the lack of sleep, lack of food, too much caffeine , too much alcohol, no longer eighteen... my body is crumbling.

Goodnight.

Just human // Curtains fall.

2011-10-20T23:12:00.005+08:00

hoho my first mandarin video? [:

Sure.. i am happy like most of the time.. like perhaps... 300 days in a year?

still it is needless to have days like these , these kind of traps i walked in by my own default. silly choices i make that when the emotions takes over, my body shivers with goosebumps. Worse thing is, i feel like i am sorry for all of this, no.. not of the ways you are, but for getting myself into this. i should know better. Breathe amanda, breathe. You are just merely human, these days are meant to remind you that you are capable of other emotions beside being jovial. Almost amused that i can possibly feel these sort of feelings. haahahahah, okay.. w h a t e v e r

its always the nights thats a bit much more difficult to get thru. but it does gets better, that i know for a fact. not easy though when my body feels as though its missing some parts.

goodnight.

Ps: I had an amazing day at work, like so amazing it reminded me of why i even picked this industry in the first time. that adrenaline rush, that high i reached at work... made all of this 1 year 2 weeks so worth slogging for. It was amazing, was so happy till night engraved me. But, i was insanely thrilled. (: Finally. Thank God. (:

PPS: Had an amazing dinner with dennis sim , my bro, my colleague, who didnt get annoyed with me rumbling for two days straight, and even, still had an amazing tasteful awesome dinner. Appreciate it bro, blog it wit photos soon. I am very lucky to have friends like these.

holly jean's " why i still prefer older men "

2011-10-16T22:34:00.002+08:00

"I've always been attracted to older men.
Read these 4 past blog posts to understand where I am coming from (especially if you're a new reader)
Should I Date an Older Man?
Women Who Date Older Men Are Gold Diggers
Of Cougars and Kittens
My Older Men Fetish
Last year however, (following my failed relationship with my Ex Mark who was 19 years older than me), I started opening my dating horizons to men who were my age as well.

I was with GB for a few months last year (he was only 32) and then I was with the HK guy earlier this year (8 yrs older).... but anything less than 10 years, I don't consider "older". Well, I was never attracted to him in the way I am attracted to older men.

But both relationships didn't last beyond a few months. In retrospect (yes, hindsight is wonderful), I am glad it didn't. I would not have been happy with either of them in the long run... especially with HK guy. I can't believe I let that drag. I'm so happy he's the sort who is wishy washy and doesn't have a clue what he wants in life. That's me off his hook!

Now that I am dating an older man again (he is 12 years older.. so we are both Monkeys in the Chinese zodiac)... I'm loving it... I'm loving him... I adore him, I feel special and I am happy again. It's just a much better match than all my previous ones.
And here's why I STILL prefer older men.

Older Men...
... are more interesting than men of my own age. They grew up in a different decade from me. I lived my teenage years and 20s to the fullest... experiencing all of what the 90's and 00's had to offer to the young and inexperienced. I want to be with someone who has experienced a different decade, or the same decade but in a different phase of life.

...have direction. Young men either don't have direction or they are trying to pursue far too many directions at the same time. There is nothing wrong with this. By all means, pursue your career, or your first whatever... but your hierarchy of needs do not match mine at this time.

...won't jeopardise the relationship. Young men tend to spend at least a decade of their lives letting good women pass them by...mainly by messing around with stuff (like flirting and cheating and lying) they know will destroy the relationship...but they still do it. Older men know better.

... don't play games. And I don't mean computer games (although older men tend not to obsess over computer games.. which is a good thing). What I mean is the mind game. Younger men like to keep their options open, while still keeping you close. They work towards getting the best hand they possibly can, while older men work towards keeping you.

... understand things better. They put alot of the childish things behind them and look at the things that really matter. I've also found that they have more patience and are more resilient in times of turmoil.

... share the same lifestyle preference as I do. I like socialising and having drinks with my partner in the evenings... but at the end of the day, home is where I want to be most. Any relationship (whether you're the same age or not) where at 10 p.m., he's wearing pajamas and falling asleep with a book in his hands.... and she's got on her dancing shoes on and is heading for the clubs.... is not going to last. And even if it does, it's not going to be a fullfilling one.

.... give me peace of mind. Well, not all older men... but my man in particular doesn't keep me at home worrying. When he's out for drinks with his mates, he bothers to make the effort to give me a quick ring, and send me SMSs. I never asked for any of this.. but I appreciate it a lot. I could never stay with someone who makes me feel insecure.

... make great lovers. You know how whenever you see an older man with a younger partner on the streets, the first thought is... "Oh, he must be rich and he must be with her for the sex." Contrary to that popular (shallow) assumption... I have found that it was the younger men who were eager to jump into my pants. Older men (who are serious about you) know that sex is not a race, and make the effort to build the relationship first.

... are romantic. I'm not talking the seranade-on-a-gondola-in-Italy type romance (though you're still more likely to get that out of an older man than that boy with spiked up hair who secretly wanks off to porn in his bedroom). But I'm talking about the little things which all add up. We've not even been together 4 months yet. But I already have so many special moments which I hold close to my heart.

... are protective. But in a Non-Cave Man Way. The first thought on a younger man's mind when he's trying to protect you is to bash someone's face in or break their legs. An older guy is less worried about beating up another person and more concerned with getting you out of that situation, whatever it may be.

Of course not ALL older men are great. Not all men age like fine wine. And some men just never grow up. But if you choose wisely, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Bottomline is you have to live your life for yourself when it comes to everything from what type of career to pursue to whom you fall in love with. Go seek your happiness.

So yeah... I tried for a year to date men my age (or only a bit older)... but I still prefer older men (this current one in particular :) )

I dont think its just about the age, but age definitely plays a huge part in things simply because you had more time hence go through more situation in life to figure more things out. Recently i think all ive been doing is going through the motions. I havent really sat down to think about things i usually do. I walk around now with such a heavy heart , noticing that i have been dragging my feets a bit more then usual. Dont get me wrong, i have been laughing super alot like usual, i just for some reason put everything behind me. assuming that maybe if i pretend , things will get better, or they will disappear. Then i realize, i am feeling extremely suffocated. I am sighing every few seconds, my emotions are not being translated into words. I feel like a confused person and losing myself a bit. Like i am not so sure of myself anymore, i feel like i need to take a super long break. I really do enjoy the perks of being a working adult,but seriously......... wish i was back in school. The long breaks i get is something i should have cherished a bit more. Think things been going on way too well for me that now when i feel like i need to reach out, i do not know how to. I just pretty much put it behind my mind and continue my normal routine of work. Okay........ guess what. i am out of my element here and i need to find myself again. I need to go get things done and dig through my own walls and translate my emotions into words before i formulate a strategy. I know not everything can be "logicalize" but for me it has to at least make sense a bit. I need to do what i need to do.

I shall not be on the fence anymore.

a fast life // wishes.

2011-10-13T16:34:00.007+08:00

At different point of my life, i want different things.

I want to be different things , different personas at different times.

Sometimes I am not happy and very insecure, thinking i have to be a size uk4 , which translates to me wanting to be skinny, skinnier , smaller package , smaller arms, skinnier legs , less chubs on my chubs cheeks , less jiggles when i walk and the only thing that bounce is my gorgeous black hair. i also then want pretty face, nicer eyes , luscious lips , really long flattery eye flashes, perfectly shaped eye browns , radiant skin all the time. mind you, no eye bags, no little ugly pimples . Nails always shaped and perfectly painted.

Hair gorgeous , silky and long , curly and pretty bouncy . Feet perfectly fitting in all gorgeous inched shoes , tramping around with no difficulty . No matter what's the weather out there, always looking picture perfect. All i do is stroll down beaches or madison avenue , with my camera in hand, exploring new places , new countries , new party place , having enough just to spend but having the time of my life.

Peachy huh no? BUT... i am nowhere near any of this. I am so so so so so so much prettier in my head. Isnt she a hottie? Victoria Moore. hahahaha

Then some days all i want to do and want to be is, to dressed head to toe in long sleeves silky cotton shirts, high waisted sexed up black pencil skirts , black tight dresses, with bags like mulberry ; marc jacobs ; loewe ; prada ; chanel to pick from , heels high as hell but professional at the same time , most importantly , boss a roomful of men around and talk about charts all the time. With all the moolah I get from spending almost 20 hrs at work , still looking good though , a pretty house for myself ,

definitely an awesome car (maybe a couple) ,

occasional flings here and there to make sure and check that i still have it going. Taking long deserving holidays when i know i need to, to places i never thought i would visit. Surrounded by Suit up men all the time.

Then there are days like these that i want the best of both worlds.

to be skinnier , prettier , smaller , taller , hotter , to own that to own this to own practically everything , to live that fast life to also live that slow life , to dive into the ocean with my deepest desires , to swim along side a lover ,

to party all the time yet hitting the markets right on time every day , still appreciating my books , my sports , my run ,

occasional dinner parties ; sipping on my glass of wine all the time , looking stylo milo all the time. to be actually able to balance my family my work my friends my traveling myself even making time for someone . meow.x3

Okay even peachy huh? hahahha

sorry, dreamy much today.

i wish for so much more, when its all over, i want to have done more then i ever said.

meow.

Okay... seriously though.. Eventually popping out one of these sweet kids. Hahahhahaha , end of the day, having a family, being stable , being happy and healthy, most importantly, being surrounded by my love ones, is more important then all of that. Along side with someone that always supporting, respecting me, loves my loves , encouraging who loves me for everything I am, everything I am not and sees the potential i can be.

Because.. I can chase and achieve and have everything the world can offer me, and yet still, have nothing at all.

So, thank you God for giving me everything that I already have. Sorry I always wanted more, nothing wrong with it but I should be content and happy with what I already have, which is, PLENTIFUL.

Love.

Stornoway.// Stitch by Stitch.

2011-10-09T22:52:00.010+08:00

// I think if i ever decide to just stay single, i would glad feast all the time. Eating good food, simple fare, so long they are good tasting, is what i wanna do all day long. hahahaha plus, sipping wine. Sup with my wine obsession lately, i attribute it to sasha. I should just do a food blog, i might consider. Afterall, i love taking photo of food.

// Besides, lately, nothing is much, just basically trying to get in shape for my marathon, which is so darn difficult. Maybe i'll just complete 21 and just screw the rest of the distance. Work has been awesome, was given a opportunity to attend a sales training, and realize that as awesome as i think i am, which i reckon is sort of true (ha , ha , ha) I have alot to learn, a long way to go. Probably need to spend more time on work. Compartmentalizing my brain to function how it was before my little mr distraction came along. It is possible! Just gotta get to it again, balancing with more things on the plate isnt easy. Promises I made for myself this year, has to come true. I miss my lizzypoo tremendously and hehehe my peanut is coming back to sg. Gotta get to emailing these lovelets! Sigh, 24 hours isnt enough!!!!! Okay , gotta run.

Well, updates with pretttttyyy photos.

Feza's birthday celebration at Dempsey, The Hacienda.

** This lady can freaking sing! You guys should see Eric's and mine faces when Feza came belting out Michael Buble song. She's pretty awesome, darn. (:

Theme : Get Mad with Feza, MadMen ( The Advertising Television Show)

Feza and her billboard.

The largest Calamari Rings I have ever seen.

Eric leaving me out. hahahahahaha

Cup cakes birthdays.

Miss Karin in town for one semester ! We are so going to paint the town red missy.

ling! Finally going to embark on a new chapter in her life (:

// Promised dinner at mama's with mates. Surprised Birthday celebration (belated) for Mama and semi farewell dinner for Jero before he goes to Thailand.

It's some awesome boutique wine, i gotta gotta go find .

Told you it was a feast.

Sweet kids Sweet pops and mamas , super loving.

// Birthday shots with colleagues!

// Relle's 18th Birthday photos.

Awesome choco cake.

Group photo! (:
funny shot.

// Catch up with Sashie afternoon , laughing at one another on the bed , sharing all the silly boy crazy secrets and bullying one another. Dinner at good old peps with some other mates, catching up at wagon wheel before... finally finishing watching RENT, the awesome musical movie. Next, to watch Rent on broadway. Cant wait for Wicked in Dec (:

A gigantic pizza.

Super loving.

15 minutes later... hahaha

Poloraid time. Super loving, now pinned up on her board heh.

lucky boy caley.

Super loving 101 from all of us.

Random kitty photo, hehehe.

~ Sometimes emotions never measures to whats right or whats not. Sometimes as hard as you try, you cannot use words to describe a particular emotion or feeling. Sometimes no matter how much it annoys you, you cannot logically come up with an explanation for whatever you are feeling. Logically it does not make sense.

hoho, hide hide hide.

family.work.gym.study.travel.shopping.skinny.reading.blogging.boy friend.partying.dinner dates.friends.1st degree friends.2nd degree friends.3rd degree friends.

how to balance when theres only 24 hours?

7 days a week.

365 days a year.

obviously not.

so, you gotta cut some out to make it happen.

Goodnight.

i want to go traveling again!

now... i gotta save, next yr! so many places to go.

hehehe.

ps: I am very happy, very happy very happy very happy very happy very happy very happy that one of my best friends, melody huang , is finally feeling like shes on sugar high all the time.

sigh, us laughing like two retarded women at ion escalator, exclaiming out loud when our brains clicked that... finally... two of us. at the same time. Finally we say. hahaha for you for sure, perhaps not me yet.

fleeting moments.

2011-09-29T23:54:00.004+08:00

*As i struggle to break free to step out to take the first step again to open again to all the many firsts , i am being subtlety reminded of all the what could have been what used to be what we both were all about . i see all the potential in you and i am upset that you arent there yet , but perhaps , for a fact, its such a big difference that it isnt the same potential anymore. i wish you put your heart out there to things that really matters, if you open your eyes carefully, you will realize the wrongs you been doing or perhaps the good you could be doing , the effect you cause by just your doings , your silly concoction in your head , ideas i do not know where you get from, to come to use to distaste me. why cant you just accept what happened between us and move past it? even if one day you were to lose your memory, there is still no denying what happened in the past. it doesnt have to hold you down, but to admit it was there, it happened, things happened, we happened, its important. Thats why, its important who you choose to give a piece of yourself too, because, you can never ever get it back. Memories forged, names carved into backlogs and forever.. it will etched.

you broke me, why do i feel responsible for all of this then? why do i feel like its the other way around? why do i feel as though you are punishing me for all i did, when all i did was to give and love.

too long for the memories to stick, only fleeting moments of remembrance.

goodnight.

a whirlwind romance.

2011-09-25T23:13:00.011+08:00

Greetings after super long. ;)

ps: I hear daddy taking his favourite potato chips out from aussie outside hahaha and my mum is sipping my belvedere black intense vodka with orange, my parents, are lovely ;)

After 21 years of living, i still do not know how to properly balance my time, i still do not have enough time to keep up with alot of things , alot of people, or even myself. But! still, a pat on my back for surviving after so long. I think theres are studies done that show how many degree of friends you can stay in contact with in your life time, i must have read it somewhere though i cant really figure out what the number was. I googled " How many people can you stay friends with in your life " and they only showed me many websites on " how do you stay friends with your ex boyfriends " , " Is it possible to stay friends with your ex boyfriend ? " goodness me. where on earth was the word boyfriend even in my search query?

Alright sweet pea, i gotta sleep but.. lately tons of things are happening (there's always tons of things going on hehee) , i still pretty much do the same thing, work , eat (tons of food! evitablely too much, but my tummy is very satisfied) , partying (yes partying.. tried cutting down but.. sigh trying trying, lesser then as compared to when i was 18 for sure!) , avalon lauch , events , sherilyn's return to sg , scb charity event , mbs hotel party, surprise birthdays.. for some reason, that i personally reckon is people in general enjoy making love during the holidays. Because! there are tons of birthdays during the Sep and Oct windows. Why!? Perhaps holidays lighten people up, loosen their mood and well, presents make people happy. I have been to, SO MANY birthdays! but I am very thankful for being part of their lives duh. And i have been watching more movies, so up to date with movies now, im a happy chipmunk. Okay , spam some photos after such a long time.

UBIN TRIP! (: my first time. hehe

avalon grand opening.
my new specs!
soccer at kallang! the boys.
the champs girls. (:
scb charity event at ecp

my cousin's airforce social night.
having sherilyn back (:

Spencer's birthday lunch. (:
Butter with jerrie, on a wednesday night! never been out on a wed night for... 2 years? hahaha.
LION KING with douglas!

lionel's post birthday with our fav prawn!

the girlies at eric's surprise bday at winebar!

happy 24th birthday eric!

getting dolled up and waiting for k [:

Prata themed birthday (:

RELLE'S 18th surprise birthday party (:

I need to seriously learn how to sleep more & blog more so i'll be able to look back perhaps 5 years later and see if, what made me upset then, does it matter much now?

And let me know leave you with this question,

When it's all said and done, will you have said more then you've done?

my current fav car. aston martin vantage v12.

GOODNIGHT.

beauty?

2011-09-04T02:07:00.002+08:00

Beauty is questionable.

Being content is difficult.

Being envious is fine.. working hard to keep at it is fine.

But all in all, gotta get your heart right with God , all decisions and choices made, depends on wheres the root coming from.

~ besides, i reckon when sometimes someone wants to be in your life, they make time. Not alot of time, cause i definitely understand that Time is so minimal nowadays.. but i dont appreciate it when you know i need you there at a certain point of time but you chose to disappear and come ask me about how i am doing about a particular situation days after. well.. of course im fine, i coped without you being around. gotta make peace.

ive been home the entire weekend guys.

first time in a looooong time.

gotta sleep for church!

nighty.

i miss you tons.

2011-08-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

How deep is your love // questionable.

2011-08-10T23:49:00.003+08:00

We are extremely obsessed with this song, hahaha we been having this song at the back of our head since Saturday! hahahaha goodness me. I have been trying to call 95fm non stop whenever driving, cause i really really wanna hear it on the radio. hahahhaa! Oh wells.. Crazy markets = Crazy work days.

Alright sweeties, i'm going to crash.

A effective way to realize what you are actually hoping for, but.. be careful of the wanting to know the truth though. Cause.. what are you going to do after you know what you want?

All I ever want in life is for my family & friends to be safe and healthy, happy. For me to have a fantastic fulfilling career, to be able to do afternoon tea at the many lovely cafes with a book in my hand, breathe in fresh air and just smile. And always travel.. to see to learn to understand new cultures.

That is all I want out of life.

Wild roller coaster ride.// PS Cafe Brunch.

2011-08-09T02:43:00.006+08:00

Christian having super sweet blueberry pancakes at 2pm.

english sausage or something.

my egg benedict, i couldnt finish it .. was out partying the night prior. heehee

but super awesome tasting.

amazed at my boss's adventures photos.

allie working on her Bolognese .
if i am not wrong, lime tart.

my favourite place to do tea at.

Truffled oil fries,which were amazing.

Two weeks ago, after volunteering work with my colleagues. My boss drove us to dempsey to fill our tummy-s up. I always enjoy doing charity , just a tiny wee bit to make you realize how much you have, how lucky you are , how blessed you are. It warms up your soul just seeing them smile. Its important to never take for granted what God has bless you with, always wake up with thanks that you got another day , a brand new day to make brand new memories with , to even breathe in fresh air and enjoy the tickling taste of food on your taste buds.

I cant wait for the kid's charity in September.

I hope i get more time to blog, i miss blogging.

Goodnight guys.

// besides, lately life been both too good and a wee bit complicating, but i am very blessed & pampered. I hope one day i could possibly love someone like him properly. Someday when i am less stubborn and be willing to be a female that allows someone to take care of her. Share the battles and quit fighting alone. Am understanding that i am letting one of the best guys ever to go. Wrong time of my life. But then again... when is it ever a prefect right time?

// i still sometimes blame you, blame you for all of this. but, i hope you understand that i cant understand sometimes. you me, left.

Slow down your partying mandy.

a break , a well deserved break.

2011-07-15T00:21:00.002+08:00

i am finally taking the weekend off, finally finally finally.

no reception on my phone, the sea breeze, the bright bright sun, clear blue waters, running the tracks , reads , time spent with my family, myself.. and finally.. SLEEP.

I cannot wait. i need this.

Work been rewarding but i need sleep.

Life lately has been quite colorful i must say, exciting even.

Realizations and reminders of why certain decisions was made in the first place,

enjoying some high life.. esp this week. hahaha

oh wells..

and i realize, as we get older we hardly talk to our besties as much.. or even consult them about certain decisions we are gg to make. i think.. i guess.. we just assume we know best.. mmm what happened to those late night talks, staying up late trying to figure things out together? OH wells.....

i got issues. sigh.

(: more more next time, soon.

Gotta sleep. Love

Someone like you.

2011-07-02T02:08:00.002+08:00

"Someone Like You"

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Long week ahead!

Goodnight,

~ I wish i could just focus, focus just on one. Just let go of all the barriers and just go for it. Regardless of the consequences.

I wish.

Take control.

2011-06-26T23:45:00.003+08:00

I do not know how to ask for more. And im worried about all the rules i used before to keep myself in check, now they have become thick thick unbreakable walls. How am i ever going to live with all these rules in place? All the yadadadada.. Maybe making a mistake, breaking out first, is the way out.. Too deep in.. Feel like i missed out far too much and. I will keep missing out.

There are many reasons why i love work, but one of the main reason is that, i feel more in control of whats going to happen, a certain amount of hard work, a certain amount of presence , will get you somewhere , for sure or somewhat. I like to know whats going to happen, i like to know the plans, i like to know where is something heading too, i like to know that by putting in this much effort, what the results will be. I wish i was more spontaneous .

God, i pray for a good week ahead, got a feeling it might be a wee bit tough. I hope i dont choke up with emotions.

Goodnight.

To Marilyn Monroe.

2011-06-26T02:53:00.003+08:00

superpaksiw:

theequirkyromantic:
Do you know who that picture is of? That’s Marilyn Monroe. They’ve considered her the most beautiful women in the world. She’s gorgeous, and beautiful, right? But look at her stomach. Is it completely flat? Does she not have love handles or, perfect long skinny legs? No. She doesn’t. And wanna know something? Her pants size, was a size 9. She wasn’t some fucking 00 or 1. She had CURVES. You all worry about your pants size, and your weight when, in reality, who cares? Why not live your life and be happy instead of counting calories in your head? Trying to “Be skinny”? You think losing weight is going to automatically make you feel better? It won’t. No magical fairy is gonna come flying outta fucking wood work, declaring, “You’re now officially hot! Boys love you now! You can be accepted by society!” No. Utter, bullshit. You’re fucking beautiful; it’s society that’s fucked. Love yourself, because if you cant love yourself, you can’t love anybody, or anything else. Be free, and be happy. Fuck what the media says, you want that double cheese-burger with bacon? GO FOR IT. Until your weight starts to affect your health, you’re perfectly fine to eat what you please. ♥
BE NATURAL. THAT’S ALL IT IS.

(via porsheohporshe)

~ I think its important to know whats the definition of beauty is and first & foremost, love yourself. Find someone that loves you thru thick and thin, wants only the best for you, flaunt you around cause he's happy you're his girl not cause your a trophy. Go easy on yourself girls, never settle for less, never be second best, never be the second choice. Dont be that girl sitting around waiting for something to happen, off you go, go make it happen. Happiness isnt something that just falls into your lap, its a choice that can only be made by you. Find someone that loves you right.

Goodnight.

sweet cheeks

2011-06-20T23:25:00.001+08:00

i am finally 21. i am so tired from the awesome weekend. i need to sleep first then process this entire trip. i am very blessed and loved. so glad everyone had fun, gotta sleep, gotta be super woman tomorrow at 6.30am again. nighty

~ i still think you & i could make something out of it, at least a step forward to be friends.

so glad we are speaking again.

nighty.

l'esprit de escalier

2011-06-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

Get a grip.

quit being impulsive.

God, cut it away and help me toss it away.

Its not impossible to walk on.

deserves so much more.

but isnt that what everyone says?

even people who dont?

someday someone will sing a lovely song to me.

Goodnight.

Barely a week away.

2011-06-13T23:55:00.005+08:00

~ yeah, remember that, opportunity comes, grab it.

Its like when it comes to you, my entire life, being, mindset, dreams , theories deserts me. It's as though, its two different person. One that knows what she wants, what she deserve, what she needs , with tons of dreams that needs to be fulfilled, working slowly but surely towards it. The other pretty much shelf all of that up and is so delusional, its difficult to believe. I'm turning 21 in barely days , with tons going on for me, working , my family , my friends , parties , sports, gym , i look good enough for myself, sometimes i forget im all that & so much more and still believe im nothing, like when i was 17..

maybe cause you had me when i was nothing, left me when i was nothing.

I cannot wait.. i worry about this saturday but i would love for it to come & really have a good good time surrounded by most of my love ones.

Worked so hard in the gym, i miss the gym, heart pumping enough for me to clear my brain, punching all the stress away , i know i am gg to wake up with a ache..... but. love it.

Goodnight, 5 freaking more days.

I'm scare.. but excited.

Something borrowed.

2011-06-12T03:11:00.004+08:00

After tons of good movies.. but.. finally caught a chic flick with me girlfriend, melo

She got her sisters to watch movies with, my own dear sister is too busy for me, plus.. who wanna watch chic flicks? (: Aye, i love the movie. It wasnt just a silly chic flick that just get by with hot chicks and some silly love story line. "Something borrowed" was hilarious, sweet to watch even. It was never too disgusting or too sweet in your face sort? It was good, funny even. You will find yourself confuse as to who to root for. Afterall, it has cheating all over it, but alas... love conquers all. Not that its right, but sometimes, you need to stand up and grab hold of things, of people,, stop letting people walk by you. Under of course, the best possible moments. I think, if your best friend, whose objectively, can tell you to go for it even if it has wrong all over it, maybe you should. Even good people fall short sometimes too right? And even those people deserve a shot at being happy.

i honestly cannot wait for 5 years later. 5 years, we will see each other at hopefully the right place in our lives.

Goodnight.

superwoman

2011-06-11T18:49:00.002+08:00

I think even someone whose strong , independent , strives hard , with both feet on the ground, surrounded by tons of love ones, gets tired of standing alone, fighting alone , sleeping alone.

Does all those ambitions matters? All those factors, that check list you have, does it really matters?

I guess it does. Maybe its time to make not so good choices.

en strangled.

2011-06-09T21:03:00.003+08:00

with work piling, hours extended way beyond 12 hours, body not recovering from the sniffles and the temperature, with voice been a frustration ,head throbbing, with plans keep changing, with the supposedly plans not working out , with no time on hand, with my dad not being any help, i feel like shit and pretty much alone. i can be calm, calm within the storm. but i just lost my cool. sorry dad.

I think i only know how to be mediocre okay, i dont know how to be happy anymore.

2011-06-09T00:12:00.005+08:00

i am stress...

i am not suppose to be this stress .

i should have given more time and thought into this planning.

i dont feel like doing anything anymore.

want it to be perfect, but my heart is pumping over rate .

what if the food isnt hot?

what if the food isnt nice?

what if the food not enough?

am i spending too much unnecessarily?

what if the space is too small?

what if the drinks run out?

what if there isnt any more mixers?

what if the ice runs out?

what if everything turns shit?

no wonder people say dont set expectations, hence avoid the disappointment.

argh.

fuck.

i should have thought longer before booking the hotel.

:( this sucks.

I rather love a bit too much then any lesser.

2011-06-04T04:45:00.003+08:00

Please help me help myself.

every touch every sight are being burnt into my memory.

reliving.

it does not tally. my life does not intercedes yours anymore.

i am too far away, right? am i not?

Goodnight.

between you & i// June.

2011-06-02T23:18:00.004+08:00

i have many things to say, of which I dont know how to begin.

Maybe im embarrassed, or worse still, ashamed of it.

It is June.. again. Its crazy, when i went to office two days ago,

i was flipping my calendar and typing out 1st June..

my heart dropped. I was .. darn. what on earth!

Time.. time is what Life is made up of, isnt it scary?

like sand slipping thru your fingers no matter how hard you try to contain it.

I want too many things , too many people, at the same time,

i need to spilt myself up for it to be possible.

i want to achieve everything, the important things & the not so important things.

I want to have everything, juggle everything, and still have my time for myself.

is it possible at all?

that feeling of head over heels, without a single wall thought blocking, knowing that the possibility of tumbling down down down, doesnt quite matter, going all the way, pouring & giving everything you can, heart thumping non stop, basically to love without rules , to feel and not stop yourself halfway. When?

Night.

Family.//Post 400.

2011-05-30T23:35:00.004+08:00

Family.

Forever, always..

I hate it everytime my parents goes on a trip, just the two of them.

My dad will always inevitable , before i head to bed, make me sit down..

and have that "talk" with me.

That stupid talk.. Okay not so stupid, if willing, i know i understand.

But its heart wrenching to even think of what kind of talk it is about.

The entire 20 minutes of conversation,circles around..

" What you must do if something happen..."

" Theres a letter here somewhere, dont worry, Godma knows everything..."

" Gotta look after your sister..."

" But dont worry... nothing will happen. It's just, for , you know, just in case.."

Then i go nuts. For the next 15 minutes, will be about me blabbering how I should just go along.

How every night, when I pray, one segment of my prayer is always about me praying fervently that if God gotta take one of us, please just take all of us. So no one get left behind. If my rents can live till 100, then my sister & me would gladly live till just 70 and we all pass on together.

I hate it when he makes me sit down and listen to that conversation.

But i know its necessary.

So then, God i pray, since my sister's at camp, and I cant get time off work. Look after my pops and moms. They are good people, they have a heart so big, filled with love. So i cant let my moms go before shes at church. And I cannot let my rents go yet, before they get to enjoy the fruit of their labour, me.

Everything i do, i do for my family.

This is kinda personal, but I cannot process much being this tired and frustrated.

But i know , whatever happens, happens solely based on your will.

And only You know the best. You see every angle, every view, 360 degrees, all the time.

I only can see one picture, right infront of me.

So I put trust in you and my family in you.

It's just a silly three days trip..

Sigh, I love my family.

You know what they say about worrying?

Dont.

SO! I shall go sleep.

Goodnight.

snippets ; fighter.

2011-05-29T23:30:00.008+08:00

YOU GOTTA LOVE SCRUBS! (:

weeks events.

Spotting this car in two colors at a block off fort road!

Macbeth , my first play with my moo. ; fort canning park.

waiting for the play to start.

after work drinks promo with colleagues. (:

the infamous vincent.

counterparty's movie event. I love the movie seats and the giganto screen, i dont even need my classes. hah. thanks dens (:

the good old zouk, hopping over for just an hour.

reliving , relishing how it was like in the past, for every week, every friday. tsk.

j's surprise return for just 2 days! (:

the happy boy that finished his papers.

hopping to attica for ling's birthday (:
happy birthday ling.

Snippets part two soon.

Goodnight .

zouk holds too much history, too intertwined its scary, madness. 3 years on from turning eighteen, i still love zouk, mainly cause of the people, graduating from phuture to velvet and the endless laughs and stupid funny stories we all have to keep now in our memories. the friendships forged because of it. darn.. haha. you gotta love & hate this place.

BARCELONA FOR THE WIN!

Overdrive

2011-05-26T23:52:00.002+08:00

hahahahahahahahahhahh darn right.

After a crazy last week, of up and downs, i think i went a wee bit over drive at work and at gym.

but all is good, feel like my brain been put to good use, my body back into how it was supposed to be , haha in motion. OK! watched american idol I wanna sleep now! Sniff sniff, i also want scottie, hahah kthx.

Goodnight.

reliving it all.

2011-05-25T23:45:00.002+08:00

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbours think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

[Chorus]
At night when the stars
Light on my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes your on
The other side
Talking to me too
Oh Am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I stopped asking why, cause i never could understand why. Instead I asked how. Please someone teach me how. Help me.

Your heart is an empty room// Marching Bands of Manhattan.

2011-05-22T23:40:00.003+08:00

HELLO JELLO.

Been on a roller coaster lately, with work consuming most of my time, i try to make time for everything else. Been a bit of a crazy week, cant believe all of it happened in a week's time. Like eek. Oh wells, besides, I watched Macbeth! That was good, interesting, and i enjoyed it plenty.

Okay, gotta sleep, work tomorrow~ yay.

And modern family is really, hilarious. Watch it to put a smile on your pretty face.

pss; in case u dont know, your like my secret pen pal, happy.

The First Grader

2011-05-21T04:31:00.003+08:00

A touching story of a 84 years old kenyan who fought hard to learn to read, against all odds. Instead, he taught those who taught him , life.

Please watch this trailer! every view , an organization will be donating 50 cents to education purposes in kenya.

God bless this land.

Night.

Always be my thunder.

2011-05-18T23:41:00.001+08:00

Been busy settling my birthday place, a couple more nitty gritty details to confirm.

Very lazy... wheres my entourage?

You asked me why & I am asking you how.

Maybe I didnt try hard enough.

I need to try harder.

Why did you persist so hard when you were not gg to be bother after all?

I wish i could throw it all away.

And. Even I am feeling sorry for my own pathetic soul.

Solace work.

I literally feel the difficulties to breathe the moment i leave my office building.

& I am sincerely sorry for my mistake, twice, twice is a dangerous number to be on.

It gotta stop, it has already stopped.

Guilty.

I dont do things like that.. I dont.

Goodnight.

Ballyhoo '

2011-05-17T00:49:00.002+08:00

Tired! A crazy weekend.. with tons of emotions all mixed together. Loved & lost, guilt , missing , betrayal , lies , smiles , laughter .... tons of them. Well, whichever it is. I am just taking the day to sleep off everything. Sometimes, as much as i want to understand, i just dont. so dont expect me too when the day comes. why lie to me? your friend. sigh. too busy to bother anymore.

Goodnight.

` maybe this is what it is again, knowing that i have that feeling but not feeling that emotion, feel like the need to cry, but my entire being cant be bothered. well its a good thing, numb aye? i think i imagined too much, delusional when it comes to you. and sometimes i see things i dont want too, and i cringe. eek, cause i always chose to forget and play pretend, but those things happened.. i cant accept it sometimes. Well. all things came one circle.

think i need to go for my body combat classes again. release some tension.

tired.

feel like grabbing a handful of colorful sugar and eating them.

hehe

night.

Red Dot // M Hotel // Zouk

2011-05-14T17:07:00.003+08:00

Why did you have to leave? I should have gone earlier.

Feel like your touch is burnt into my skin.

Imprinting your presence.

Breathe.

Deserve someone who gives a shit.

* God I pray you give me strength , extra strength to help , to reach out and to break through her. Thank you.

Yashica.

2011-05-11T23:16:00.006+08:00

WHERE ARE THESE FLAVOURS IN SINGAPORE? I WANNA TRY.

( I reckon only the last one is available here )

* crazy phases, beware.

I dont know what to think about when I have time, i just end up feeling alot of emotions and no words can describe it. Thus work gives me alot of perspective, work gives me a direction and for many hours in a day, i feel in control. Fingers cross. WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK. i secretly love work.

Let me talk about yesterday.

Yesterday was exciting.

I got caught in the rain. it was super heavy, at 7.55am, out of marina bay station. walked for 3 minutes, suddenly crazy heavy rain hit. And... i was running, shared an umbrella but guess what? the wind blew the entire umbrella away. Needless to say, I was drenched by the time I reached my office. Crazy stuffs, it was insane. hahaha blew dried after. nuts, then met Ed to grab dinner and presents for our friends this weekend. Which explains me being home early and going to sleep now.

Last week I did something exciting too, first time at that restaurant, first time in the cable in SG. freak the shit out of me, but, will blog that later with photos of course.

An event opening with Nigel & Jona that was pretty fun. After brewrekz with sashie & sherry. And popping into zouk to find my giant and the barker boys. Waited till 7am to get a cab that was insanely frustrating.

did something unthinkable. yawns.

Goodnight, first, gotta get skinny. gotta run that 21km in dec, can? of course.

* striking off was so easy whenever a single flaw was found, whether its a way to protect or just plain stupid.. it reminds us how with them, that never happened. Or. thats what we want to remember. Its true what they say, after a bad time, you struggle and you struggle.. when you think back, all you remember was the good stuffs. Somehow or rather, you refuse to admit the bad memories. Selective memory aye.

A long weekend coming right up.

HIdeaways.

2011-05-11T01:04:00.002+08:00

They say when you love someone, you should love every bit of them.

but sorry, i cant do that. you got some way horrific flaws i cannot deal with.

maybe thats why i try to prove everyone wrong so badly.

but it is okay.. it is okay to walk away and let someone fend for themselves.

take responsibility to their mistakes.

you mother too much mandy.

sometimes. i am really am sorry for even caring..

I tangled up alot of things myself.

crazy weekend and i mean it.

Goodnight.

Haruki Murakami.

2011-05-10T01:37:00.001+08:00

"two people can sleep in the same bed and still be alone when they close their eyes"
— Haruki Murakami (Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World)

Elvis Presley - Always on my mind.

2011-05-06T01:00:00.003+08:00

Suddenly I remember those blurry promises and words , it is 2011.

it is us all turning 21. the details though.. i honestly dont remember.

where,what,time,place.

Sleep never comes sooon enough.

going into over drive, going through the motion.

Wee hours.

2011-05-04T00:51:00.002+08:00

I finally found my solace, work .

Drained and loose & i refuse help.

So tired my body is acting up, but i dont know how to sleep.

cant i just waddle in my misery awhile more?

so tired of feeling tired of circles.

clocking 12 hours and more.

Easy heart.

2011-05-02T23:12:00.003+08:00

*because i am barely human, i cant always keep myself above waters, sometimes even i drown

& I realize that you can never make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, its no longer a mistake, its a choice. Suffered serious basorexia symptoms. bad bad bad drug for me.

The heart has its reasons that reason does not understand. - Douglas Kennedy

Vivid images.

2011-04-30T14:56:00.002+08:00

off to ed's, im gg to make potato salad. heeeheeteeeheeheee

~ when i realize i need to try, i also realize its going to end.

hungry at 4am.

2011-04-30T04:13:00.005+08:00

**what a beautiful song.

There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face

thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
let it be me

feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own

thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend you need
let it be me
let it be me

* Disgusting photos after my run ((:

if only i can retain that natural flush in my cheeks after my run,

for the entire day. i will be very happy. hahahaha

doesnt smell too nice hahaha.
getting ready for ed's performance and a early night out with melo.

For the first time since I was 18,

I didnt particular enjoyed it.

& I wasnt afraid to say it.

I didnt indulge and I was tired.

Too noisy , too crowded and hah.. aint my scene, anymore.

crazy, could it be possible that I am finally tired of the lifestyle?

well, wont be too quick to make that statement but,

it definitely wasnt what it was to me anymore.

& I was upset you didnt wanna come see me today, though, it was probably my fault.

scheduling. no one wants to be second best after all, you should understand it best mandy...

* I appreciate your friendship, tickles me with your funny bone.

Goodnight.

Feist.

2011-04-29T16:36:00.000+08:00

Happy song for the perpetual rain outside.

gotta do more things today! productive yes.

spent the entire afternoon lazing and finishing a book, Love Verb - Jane Green

Sniff sniff, im such a empathetic soul sometimes i sympathize myself.

BUT lovely story.

I wish i was part of the school system.

Erm. Can i please gobble you down for dinner?

(: * Big smile

Over the fence,not,yet.

2011-04-29T01:37:00.005+08:00

Lost. Not good to be lost before going back.

Fret not, friday is here.

Taking a looooong run in the morning.

Small.Focus.

facing a I.C now.

tsk, hopefully it comes to pass.

it is difficult to pen down those thoughts into words that translate my emotions.

its been going round in circles for years.

gotta take the tick in the to do list box though.

rally up courage,somehow.

maybe tomorrow night...

Goodnight.

healthy oxytocin gotta hit me up some.

thanks for making me laugh with your stories.

Love verb.

2011-04-28T01:38:00.006+08:00

pretty true yes?

(wongfu productions , they have amazing videos. should check it out!)

messy stuffs but hey, somehow or rather, we cant live with it, we cant live without it.

been watching youtube singers online.

i reckon guys who sing so well, look exceptionally good.

especially when they are belting out sweet lyrics no?

actually.. scratch that.

anyone that has a passion for something, will look exceptionally good.

just showing some support.!

haaha.

goodnight.

Sun basking sweet love in the water: Bali Escapade .

2011-04-27T18:08:00.017+08:00

Embarking on the journey with 4 people down.

Just 3 little people decided to go ahead with all that was planned.

During this period, the heart aching earthquake just occurred in Japan.

& Exams were too close for some.

*pray for Japan.

Basically a little piece of paradise.

sparking blue ocean that stretches beyond sight.

over the oceans to get to our getaway.

airplane mode (:

getting all so excited.

big big bed for me hehehe.

our living room

dinner on Jimbaran beach.

Beautiful fireworks just right over us.

a little something.

met Jeremy k at Surfers bar.

Ice cold beer!

day 2: adventures on bike.

while riding, my slippers came off. that was freaky, but lucky! thank God.

shopping at Kuta.

dinner time!

checking the bar scene with the others, it was their last night!

very yummy drink.

crazy lionel high on music.

dropping the guys off at the airport.

nusadua , diving.

very suspicious about their sexuality.

diving was a interesting experience. always did snorkeling. would not do diving again unless im learning it from the scratch properly, which i am intending too. So thats that, hahaha i freaked out after going down about 5m. We did flying fish too, which was exhilarating. hahaha!

onto my highlight and favourite thing : surfing!

first, lunch! Bakso!

i love this though, yummy .

basics.

i really enjoyed surfing though suffered quite a few scratches

and tons of abrasion and... lip cut. tsk.

the best ayam penyet you can find! but was so difficult to munch cause my lips were bleeding.

driving early in the morning up to mt kimtamani!

crazy antics on the way up. the air pressure and weather changed drastically, was really nice to have cool air.

stopping to bag some yummy tropical fruits!

active volcanoes

showing off my cut. Brave much? (:

rice padis!

fancy signboards.

off to fishing like the villages (:

eating the fish caught by us! mostly lionel hahaha.

last night! finally off to meet another group of friends to party the night away.

lionel breaking it down on the stage!

the last day. a precious deserving massage !

sniff.

the flight back

It was a good break definitely. I didnt enjoyed it as much as I thought I would have but! I would go back again, book a closer hotel, spend all my days surfing at the different beaches. learn how to bargain a wee bit better . get my diving license and dive properly.

Would love to go back soon, surfing. i really really love it.

Okay, almost anything with a board, i enjoy. hahahahaha ((((:

Planning a trip with Sherry! Exciting much, we are still considering different places.

Alright! its been so hot & its raining now, i actually quite like it but... i am supposed to be running today. How to!? its pouring. tsk tsk! Shall treat myself to the movies.

Later kitty cats.

Angus and Julia Stone.

2011-04-27T04:06:00.001+08:00

finally got to see my melo after so long. (:

i promise to kill those pigeons, if they bite, im gg to bite back.

cottesloe beach.

sometimes , your mind drift and you start pondering of all the what ifs.

not healthy, definitely not very healthy, causes you to live on the edge.

if the points were enough, we wouldnt be here, wouldnt have met these people,

would have a whole lot different life.

i remember coming back after 2 weeks of fresh air, of dreams that never came true, of a culture i knew i could grew to love,

i remember feeling so hung up of that "what if" that for many weeks after i was always upset and feeling oh so nostalgic .

aomehow, i would try to sneak there and figure a life out.

too many people stop dreaming, they stop and they get stuck.

& somehow when they are in their old age, they realize they never lived & died a long time ago.

a believer of striking a balance.

goodnight.

note: Wasnt yours to begin with. Quit the lemon drops emotions.